A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION
Today is November 15, 2022… We celebrated my mother’s birthday on Saturday, the 12th, although she shares her birthday with Veterans every November 11th. We let the world know it was her birthday on social media, we invited immediate family to a luncheon, we gifted her with a Christmas sweatshirt and her very own mini grilled cheese griddle.
The Christmas shirt is red. She was excited receive this gift. Now she has something red to wear on “Wear Red” Fridays at her Independent Living Facility. She was also grateful to receive a mini griddle to make grilled cheese sandwiches whenever she wants or craves. She has her cravings. And, come on, admit it, it’s great to see the many “happy-birthday” wishes on social media. When posts work for the good of the people, it’s a great medium.
A RE-BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION: TOR, YOU ARE 3!
November 13, 2022. This is also a birthday to celebrate, rather a “re-birthday.” This is the day that I want to write about. It won’t be easy, but I am ready. Permission was also granted by the main subject of this blog post. November 13 is a RE-BIRTHDAY for my middle daughter, Victoria (Tor). She is celebrating 3 years. You see, three years ago, she made a life-changing decision to get help. That help came in the form of many factors.
- A fork in the road: Continue to go down the same path of numbing with alcohol or willingly walk into a rehabilitation program for dual diagnosis (alcohol dependency and emotional well-being). [She made the best decision for her and her family at that moment in time.]
- Spousal support: Her husband also made a choice to accept or support whatever decision she made. His commitment to her was necessary to support her choice to enter a rehabilitation program. It was also necessary for him to continue working. [He went to work while this was going on.]
- The twins: Their girls were 3 years old. With their mom away, their dad at work, where would they be and what will they remember. [They remember that their parents love and cherish each of them.]
- Grandparents: We (the twins’ grandparents) were in a position to take care of the kids and watch them however long was necessary. This required travel across 6-7 states. A quick Friday-Sunday flight turnaround time. Last minute flight arrangements and a plan to return home when all were ready were also made. [Not every parent/grandparent are in a position to help their adult children. We were grateful we could.]
- Tor: The travel for the twins left Tor alone at home awaiting her Monday admission. To be admitted, she had to be sober for the previous 3-4 days. It was imperative that she not take one drink. She had to stay clean. [She did.]
- Licensed Treatment Facilities: There are many places one can go to get clean. Some folks try on their own. Some succeed, many do not. Who really knows those stats? When that decision is made, how do you choose which rehabilitation facility is right for you? And can you afford it? Many do not take insurance. That leaves a lot of people shit out of luck. The one Tor chose cost cash money upfront. It was also one that put the responsibility on the participant. Not “patient” but active participant. From my conversations with Tor, it was stated clear to her that she was there on her own volition; she could walk out at any time. [They would help lead her to sobriety, but she had to do the work. She did.]
- Money: Is it the root of all evil? It is unknown where to credit this saying, quote, or verse… All the above requires it. It takes it and it costs it. Is it money well spent? Does the answer rely in the outcome? Because if that is the case, then, in many instances, the answer is no. This was not the first time we tried to help her; but it was the first time she wanted to help herself. We were doing it, even if I had to take out a loan. [I can’t image what would/could have happened if we were not able or were unwilling to use what we have saved up to save our daughter.]
There are many variation of factors that could have resulted in a mixed or negative outcome. We were ALL in to support her decision to get help. [Even if all are not on board, it takes the individual believing in themselves and anyone else who chooses to support them is a bonus. We all have our reasons why we do or do not.]
STARTING OVER
It’s impossible for anyone to predict the number of times a person “starts over.” For me, personally, I’ve started over many a times. With friendships, relationships, jobs, marriages, family, and yes, even alcohol. It takes a village and more. To make happen what we deem impossible, it took all the above-mentioned factors to fall in place. This, to help one individual attempt at rehabilitation. One.
One person’s decisions have an impact on many others around them. Husband, children, mom, stepdad, sisters, great grandparents, friends. Ties can be either changed for the better or worse or can be severed. Because she chose life over death by alcohol (or other addiction). Step one is choosing; step 2, 3, 4, 5….. are just as difficult but lead to a new life. We hoped and wished and knew the possibility of giving up or relapse. We also had hope for the best-case scenario: A sobering outcome. AKA – A RE-BIRTHDAY!
THE OUTCOME
Two weeks into the treatment program, the facility advised her that she was stable enough to be discharged. Discharged. Out on her own. New tools in hand and mind. She had become sober, had dumped some things from her “dung bag” (I know, shameless plug; but it is applicable), and detached herself from an old way of thinking. She had attached herself to a value of family and of self. I wasn’t there and could not do it for her but as we talked about it much later:
IT. WAS. NOT. EASY.
DAYS
At first, she counted the days. That’s what we do with significant life changes or if we want to develop a new habit.
“On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic – 66 days to be exact. And how long it takes a new habit to form can vary widely depending on the behavior, the person, and the circumstances. In Lally’s study, it took anywhere from 18 days to 254 days for people to form a new habit.” The work does not end upon exit of treatment. In a way, it is another “start over.” Starting over on the outside. Much like someone who had been imprisoned, just or unjust, for choices they made.
https://jamesclear.com
TURNED INTO WEEKS
Then, you are on weeks. Three weeks had gone by while Tor and Drew were away from the kids. During this time, we as grandparents took care of the twins. We made it as normal as possible for 3-year-olds; even successfully potty training the BOTH of them. We all made the drive back in a car across those 6-7 states that brought the twins to IL by flight. Back in Nevada, Tor continued to lead herself to maintain her sobriety with her husband by her side. Eventually, we met in Kingman, AZ, to reunite the twins with their parents. What a nervous and glorious reunion. (I have paused here because I feel that moment in my soul.) Deep breaths.
TURNED INTO MONTHS
Soon after the reunion, it was time to plan a Christmas gathering with extended family. Yes, we wanted Drew, Tor, and the twins to be a part of the holidays.
“… The holidays represent a fascinating time in our culture when families come together and celebrate. However, around this time of year, from November to early January, there is an increase in alcohol consumption…”
Drinking During the Holidays: Avoid the Problem or Face It Head-On? (realrecoveryfl.com)
In planning our gathering where alcohol is usually shared to celebrate the season, we made some adjustments. I had had conversations with Tor prior to Christmas and she shared with me that she could not yet go into a grocery store or even be around alcohol. Why? Because she knew where they placed their alcohol. This knowledge caused a trigger and she did not want to be tempted. Even the smell of alcohol, could trigger her memory and/or desire. It truly was something that she could not control, instead, it controlled her. She became aware of these things and was now taking an active role in “avoiding” these triggers. Boundaries are important and necessary in early recovery – triggers can put you at risk of relapse. As a result of me being an overbearing, protective mother, I made the ask.
I asked the family to remove all the alcohol from the house and to have an alcohol-free gathering. I can’t say how they “really” felt about this, but I can say that they were supportive of this ask and understood she was still early in her recovery. (Another pause because again it takes a village) Deep breaths. I am grateful that we did not have to arrange for separate family Christmas celebrations.
CHALLENGES
Please take a moment to understand that for Tor to take this life challenge head on was not an easy task; even if she had a nearby support system. (She did not.) A new place, alone, raising kids is all too familiar; don’t get me started on that. After her husband graduated from college, they moved their family of 4 across the country 1,694 miles from their families for a terrific job opportunity. We, along with her Meme were a daily part of her support system from day one when the twins were born. And now, she had found herself alone to be a mom, wife, and still her own person. To understand the difficulty of this situation even under the best of circumstances check out Hope Solo (@hopesolo) on Twitter:
“On the advice of counsel, Hope can’t speak about this situation, but she wants everyone to know that her kids are her life, that she was released immediately and is now how with her family, that the story is more sympathetic than the initial charges suggest, and that she looks forward to her opportunity to defend these charges.” (posted by Rich Nichols, Counsel for Hope Solo). 4/1/2022
@hopesolo on Twitter
No judgement on Hope and the circumstances she found herself in with her twins. We never know the whole story. There surely were many who replied to Hope’s post their opinions of support and judgement. (social media….it’s great when it works for the good) Just know that Thankful that Tor did not need a lawyer to defend this case for her. She was her own lawyer, judge, and prosecutor. She had beat herself up enough to have lifelong scars. Grateful that her challenges were not a public affair (at least at this point in time). There is a relatable reason to mention Hope Solo. They are both mothers of twins and both are human.
The difference is that Tor was not obligated to make a public statement of her predicament. Therefore, many may not have known the extra challenges that she has undertaken to fight off the grasp that alcohol had on her. I’m sure Hope got help just as Tor did.
TURNED INTO YEARS
After a year sobriety, we silently rejoiced of her accomplishment. As a concerned mom (and Nana) that first year wasn’t easy for me. It sure wasn’t easy for Tor. There was a lot of egg-shell walking. She eventually was able to enter a grocery store without the temptation to detour off into the area where alcohol was plenty.
Sidebar: Thank you to the grocery stores that have a separate room where they store their alcohol, all their alcohol. I just called to verify with a local grocery store in my hometown of Metropolis, Illinois (yes, I’m from Arizona, but my primary residence is Metropolis) to see if ALL their alcohol is stored in a separate room. I know when they remodeled, they created a space near the checkout stands for their alcohol. I just didn’t know if ALL of it was stored there; you know, out of the way. The answer was yes. That’s a BIG deal to recovering alcoholics! Thank you, Big Johns!
We were all more at ease with her second year of sobriety. She had conquered many (not all) of her triggers and was more confident in her new lifestyle of choice. Alcohol free. We’ve been able to have gatherings where one or more had imbibed. A show of strength on her part. Perhaps. Moreso a determination. At some point in time, she would become tested. Tested to the point of another fork in the road, unfortunately.
She passed many tests, even when others failed to understand the challenges of a person in recovery. Especially for one who wishes to stay sober. No, means no. Stop asking. When one chooses to live alcohol free for WHAT EVER REASON, it should be respected. Sure, strangers may not be aware and may advance the idea of a drink, but when those who are supposed to be your friends or family push you into drinking again… (I’ll stop here) Yes, there is a story behind this, a very sad one. Needless to say, the social media vampired the heck out of this to the point of threats. Period.
LOSS
It’s no surprise that you lose friends when you stop drinking, or when you change something about yourself. The way one looks at life is now different and the changes that were made were done so to the betterment of health, family, children, and life itself. So, why? Did they change? Or was it you? In a weekly newsletter available at ‘Alcohol is not your friend’ it is suggested that:
“I was losing touch with my friends because I was changing.”
www.ainyf.com
No one to blame for you changing except yourself; good, bad, or otherwise. Others, they either accept you or reject the changed you. If you are fortunate, you go on being friends and family. If not, you still gain so much more even at a loss.
HOPE
So why write about this now. Is three years long enough in the past to write about this personal journey from a bystander perspective? I hope so. As I said, I got permission from Tor to write about this. I am proud of her. I wish to shout it out to the world! I’m grateful for these three years and I have hope for 3 more years. And so on. Perhaps sharing my hope that if sobriety is in your path, your life will remain worthy of living clean and sober. Maybe this blog post may help another person struggling with their Day 1, with reaching for their Week, Month, or Year, and continuing on with Years.
With the holidays upon us, keep hope in mind. Know that the hard work that keeps you afloat for yourself, your family, and your friends is worth it. You are worth it. That’s all anyone ever wants for you. That’s all I ever wanted for my children. All of them.
Take Good Care.